Canadian
Highway Speed Controls -
Submitted by Don Fisher.
I don't know about you, but this would certainly slow me
down!
People slow down and actually try to "straddle" the
hole.
This is an actual speed control device that is currently
in use.
It is MUCH cheaper than speed cameras, radar guns,
police officers, etc.
Pretty clever -- especially when they move them around
every day.
Isn't art wonderful?
It takes just
£1
on a boring Sunday
afternoon ....
... to really rile someone on Monday morning!
Negative
people - submitted by Don Fisher.
This is something to think
about when negative people are doing theirbest to rain on your parade. So
remember this story the next time
someone who knows nothing and cares less
tries to make your lifemiserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a triptoRomewith
her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser,
who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty...
You're crazy to go to Rome ...
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply.
"We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser...
"That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and they're always
late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place
over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it's gonna be something
special and exclusive, but it's really a
dump."
"We're going to go to see theVaticanand
maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and million other people trying to see
him.
He'll look the size of an ant."
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman,
"not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked, and they bumped us up to first
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who
waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just
finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest
hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suiteat no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's
all well and good, but I know you didn't get
to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as
we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped
me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and
if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand! I
knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really, what'd he say?"
He said: "Who the heck did
your hair?"
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE - submitted by Don Fisher.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable
occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a
wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Three friends married women from different parts of the
world.....
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to
do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,
but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she
was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Glasgow . He ordered her to
keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm
was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Submitted by Helen Hawkins.
There I've
Fixed it Again!
Submitted by Phil Coates.
International
Security Levels
- Submitted by Leonard
Pilling
The English are feeling
the pinch in relation to
recent terrorist threats
and have raised their
security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon,
though, security levels
may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even
"A
Bit Cross." The English
have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz
in 1940
when tea supplies all
but ran out. Terrorists
have been re-categorised
from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time
the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during
the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their
threat level from
"Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the
Bastards" They don't
have any other levels.
This is the reason they
have
been used on the
frontline in the British
army for the last 300
years.
The French government
announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run"
to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France
are
"Collaborate" and
"Surrender." The rise
was precipitated by a
recent fire
that destroyed France 's
white flag factory,
effectively paralysing
the
country's military
capability.
It's not only the French
who are on a heightened
level of alert. Italy
has
increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly
and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat
Operations"
and "Change Sides."
The Germans also
increased their alert
state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and
Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two
higher
levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other
hand, are all on holiday
as usual, and the only
threat they are worried
about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all
excited to see their new
submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully
designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new
Spanish navy
can get a really good
look at the old Spanish
navy.
Americans meanwhile are
carrying out pre-emptive
strikes, on all of their
allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also
raised its security
levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!".
Due to continuing
defence cutbacks (the
air force being a
squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper
aeroplanes and the navy
some toy boats in the
Prime
Minister's bath), New
Zealand only has one
more level of
escalation, which
is "Shit, I hope
Australia will come and
rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile,
has raised its security
level from "No worries"
to
"She'll be right, mate".
Two more escalation
levels remain,
"Crikey!', "I
think we'll need to
cancel the barbie this
weekend" and "The barbie
is
cancelled". So far no
situation has ever
warranted use of the
final
escalation level.
Canadians are
holding a public
enquiry on the
matter, have hired
federal teams
of bilingual grief
counsellors and are
controlling the
situation through
pieces
of carefully-worded
legislation.
It Must be Closing
Time!
Some Good Questions - Submitted by Amber
Dineen.
Why.....do Tesco's
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to
get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Why .....do people
order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why ...do banks
leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
Why ......do we
leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put
our useless junk in the garage.
Why . .....do they
have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens
our hair,
but darkens our skin
?
Why women can't put
on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever
see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated'
such a long word?
Why is it that
doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice
made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who
invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of
day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there
mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat
those two mosquitoes?
Why do they
sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
You know that
indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep
Why are they called
apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so
safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why? Good question.
Some Old Some New!
"When I were a lad,
Mum would
send me down to the
corner store with a
pound,
and I'd come back wi'
five pounds o'
potatoes, two loaves
o'
bread, three pints
o' milk, a pound o'
cheese, a packet o'
tea, an' 'alf
a dozen eggs. Yer
can't do that now.
Too many damm
security cameras!"
A Happy day at the Church. I stood outside the church in eager
anticipation.
This was the happiest day of my life,
As I entered the portal and made my way to the
aisle.
I stopped for a moment, the happiness welling up
inside me,
I could see my husband at the altar as I slowly made
my way down the aisle.
As I approached the tears of joy ran down my face.
When have I ever had so much pleasure, I thought to
myself.
I looked into his face and gently, ever so gently,
kissed his cheek. .
.
.
.
Then I closed the bl**dy lid!
Why
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